The How of Happiness – by Sonja Lyubomirsky

Sat, Feb 19, 2011

In The How of Happiness, with thorough research, Sonja Lyubomirsky provides a scientific approach to pursue happiness. This book lifted me up when I was down. Though there are things that lie outside of my Circle of Influence and it is true that there is such a gene called “happiness gene”, I am delighted to know that I can make shots to make me happier, even if I don’t inherit that gene from my parents.

My Notes

It’s never too late to be what you might have been. - George Elliot

1. The 40% Solution

Becoming lastingly happier demands making some permanent changes that require effort and commitment everyday of your life. Pursuing happiness takes work, but consider that this “happiness work” will be the most rewarding work you’ll ever do.

Subjective Happiness Scale, Depression Scale, Personal-Activity Fit Diagnostic (refer the book)

Myth 1: Happiness must be found.

Myth 2: Happiness lies in changing our circumstances.

Myth 3: You either have it or you don’t.

The limits of life circumstances:

• material wealth: Frank Lloyd Wright observed: “Many wealthy people are little more than the janitors of their possessions.” Not only does materialism not bring happiness, but it’s been shown to be a strong predictor of unhappiness.

• beauty.

• The only exception that I would argue is the effects of having children. As a mother of two I can attest that the first time you cuddle with your child, it feels wonderful. The thousandth time, it feels – oh, maybe 95 percent as wonderful.

If you’re unhappy with your job, your friends, your marriage, your salary, or your looks, the first step you should take toward reaching greater lasting happiness is to put those things aside in your mind for now. Hard as it is, try not to reflect on them. Keep reminding yourself that these things are really not what is preventing you from getting happier.

If we observe genuinely happy people, we shall find that they do not just sit around being contented. They make things happen. They pursue new understandings, seek new achievements, and control their thoughts and feelings.

Happiness consists in activity. It is a running stream, not a stagnant pool.

Five hows behind sustainable happiness:

• Positive Emotion: Happiness consists more in small conveniences or pleasures that occur every day, than in great pieces of good fortune that happen but seldom. – Benjamin Franklin

• Optimal Timing & Variety: How to accomplish this? Through experimentation.

• Social Support.

• Motivation, Effort, and Commitment

• Habit

First, I will try the Happiness Activity 3: Avoiding Overthinking and Social Comparison

• Overthinking is thinking too much, needlessly, passively, endlessly, and excessivly pondering the meanings, causes, and consequences of your character, your feelings, and your problems.

• Many of us believe that when we feel down, we should try to focus inwardly and evaluate our feelings and our situation in order to attain self-insight and find solutions that might ultimately resolve our problems and relieve unhappiness. In fact, studies show that overthinking ushers in a host of adverse consequences.

• You must imitate the behaviour of the happy person and work to break free of overthinking.

• Social Comparison: The happiness people take pleasure in other people’s success and show concern in the face of others’ failure. Unhappy people are deflated rather than delighted about his peers’ accomplishments and triumphs and are relieved rather than sympathetic in the face of his peers’ failures and undoings.

2. How to Shake of Ruminations and Social Comparisons

• Cut loose:

  • Stop thinking about it. Distract, distract, distract. The distracting activity is what can make you feel happy, curious, peaceful, amused, proud.

  • Shout to yourself “STOP!”, “NO!”. Visualize a STOP sign.

  • Set aside time for ruminations (deep reflections) later.

  • Talk to a sympathetic and trusted person.

  • Write out your ruminations.

• Act to solve problems: find possible solutions.

• Dodge overthinking triggers: avoid future overthinking traps (places, times, and people)

• Take in a big picture: Ask yourself “Does it matter in a year?”. If no, stop overthinking. If yes, learn the lessons. Don’t sweat the small stuff.